You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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