Operation Purity has been aborted
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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