Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
