I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love having hate sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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