I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
