I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
