You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
