If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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