I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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