ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
