I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
