i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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