I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
