is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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