There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
