Pants 0. Shit 1.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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