Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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