i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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