Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize