God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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