WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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