the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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