we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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