I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
