Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
