You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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