onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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