Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My feet surprised me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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