So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
