you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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