I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
