he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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