Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize