how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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