no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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