He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
