Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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