hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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