Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
