Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
