I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize