There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
