nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
