I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
