went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
