I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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