I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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