no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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