I hate your face
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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