i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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