dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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