you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
