dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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