Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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