Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize