On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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