So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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