GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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