How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
