This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
