Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
