i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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