I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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